"I don't know what you're trying to say, Emily. Einstein was only six when he wrote Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, but I still love R&B." -Caleb, on musical influences...

Adam: As soon as it hits midnight I'm running over there to give him a kiss. Tyler: Isn't that kinda...gay since you're both guys and all? Adam: Nah man, I'm only doing it to piss off Brooke. Tyler: You hate Brooke so much that you're going to b...

Dion: Don't shit where you eat. Jeff: They say don't shit where you eat, but women shit dangerously close to where we eat. -On the annals of intelligent design...

Frank: Holy shit, this is the first time I see a proper application of a mathematic concept in real life. Take this party for example. The entry is $15 and it's all you can drink. So your first beer costs $15 but each subsequent beer you drink b...

Ariel: Woah. You're higher than I am. What are you on? Random Woman: Jesus! Ariel: Cool. Got anymore? -Ariel, stoned and mistaking a church revival for a circus tent...

Al: If we were stranded on a desert island I bet I could get you to suck my dick. YOU'D BE THIRSTY AND I'D BE THE MILKMAN!!! Katie: Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant. -Al, failing yet again...

Boosey: Picture her as some butter. Doyle: Butter? Boosey: What you gotta do is become a knife... but she's one of those girls that you gotta warm up to it... you know what I'm saying... it's going to be a ton easier with a hot knife. So in the...

"Dumb traffic... it's going too fast for us to do anything, and too slow for us to get to the movie on time." -Josh, talking his girlfriend while stuck in traffic...

Pastor Short, Campus Crusader: I don't think you're trying hard enough. Would you rather go out, get drunk, and get laid on Saturday night, or go to church on Sunday morning? Jeff: Whether or not I get laid on Saturday night determines if I nee...

Nina: I could never understand someone robbing an old lady. Ryan: It's just work, ya know? They have completely different faces, I learned that back when I used to prostitute. Nina: ...What? You were a prostitute? Ryan: Yeah, I used to be a pros...

Giles: Why don't you like fries? Frank: Because when I was growing up in China, the fries there would cut up the roof of your mouth and were really salty which means after you eat them, your whole mouth just hurts. It's psychological conditionin...

"Basically the Lewis and Clark expedition was a big multicultural clusterfuck." -Professor Hickey, on major historical undertakings...

"I don't make sense. I make love." -Paul, campaigning on the confusion tip...

"I can't hang out with Steve any more. Seeing him with his kid almost makes me think of him as human." -T, on reputation killers...

Eric: This is a game store right? GameStop Guy: Uhhhh, yeah. Eric: Well how about this. How about I buy a bunch of games, but instead of paying you in money, I pay you in tales of adventure. GameStop Guy: Uhh....... No, sorry can't do it. Eric:...

"I had the broest moment ever with Sexel and Tyler. Some girl told me to put my pants on and they weren't even off, so I pulled them off and told her to deal with it. Then I looked behind me and Sexel and Tyler had their pants off so I was like,...

Giles: So I might be going to Oslo in May. Frank: What for? Giles: Conference. Frank: Oslo, that's Sweden right? Giles: Norway. Frank: Still, Scandinavian chicks. Giles, you know what Scandinavian chicks mean? Giles: Not really. Frank: They're l...

"Drink the shoe polish and shut up!" -Hunter, feeding the drunken frenzy...

Susie: Wait, so if a kid kills himself, but no one likes him, it's okay? Professor Collins: YES! -Discussing Utilitarianism...

"The train in Spain runs on...ME!" -Rene, after having a train run on her by two guys in Spain...

"So if you're not masturbating, what are you doing for fun?" -Professor Nilson, after discussing child stimulation in the Victorian Era...

"This may be the biggest one yet...." -Kevin, playing wingman and taking one for the team...

"I love eating. If I had an infinite amount of food in the world, it'd be finite by now." -Mikey, on anorexics...

"I'd tell the girl, 'Watch it, bitch, those are my kids in your mouth.'" -Mikey, on blowjob etiquette...

"So my dad came up on my mom's stomach and as she stood up I ran down into well, you know. And I saw this as my big chance so before she could get into the shower I went for the hole and bam, I was conceived. Damn I was a determined little mothe...

"What the fuck? This morning, I was told that I knocked out several people in the mosh pit and got too grabby with some girls last night. This afternoon, four people requested my Facebook friendship. What are you trying to tell me universe?" -Fr...

Jules: Nowadays dressing like a whore isn't a good sign that a girl wants to be touched. Apparently they have to be wearing a literal sign reading, "touch me." Kemmey: Hopefully the words, "for free" will be in parentheses. -On ideal connections...

Jules: Girls don't even shit. Ella: I do! One time I did a number three. And I was like "WTF!" cause I was pooping and my pussy was all like "Psssss" and I was like "Ehhh I'm using both?!!!" And the crap was like stuck in my butt and it was like...

"I should have given you something useful for Christmas...like prayer...or a hammock." -Jerica, confronting Ryan's lifestyle either religiously or relaxingly...

Michelle: God is coming, I don't care what the fuck you say! He'll be here and he'll cut your penis off for being such an asshole! Jman: Sure he's on his way. He's got a big head, long neck, shows up in a spaceship. That's okay, I'm an organ don...