"A holiday is an occasion where everyone you have ever known and loved ridicules you for being a failure, you occasionally cry uncontrollably, and sometimes those who ridicule eat your food, justified by the fact that you are STILL a failure."
-...
"Dating is the most useless and rotten attempt by completely worthless individuals to establish a faulty image for somebody they wish to impress in a desperate, neurotic need for attention. Unfortunately, these phony people actually impress each...
Rob: I thought everyone was going to the Dog's Bullocks?
Kyle: Well, no one's leaving yet.
Rob: Guess we'll have to pull the fire alarm to get everyone out. Why do we have to be the responsible ones all the time?
-On sparking a movement...
Andy: Now if any of you are a renaissance scholar....yes, Rob.
Rob: Okay, when you say renaissance scholar, do you mean someone with an education of the renaissance, or a scholar from the renaissance? Because I'm pretty sure the latter is imposs...
Jordan: This is why I need a girlfriend.
Karina: Then mail order one.
Jordan: I don't think the post office accepts packages that big. Coincidentally, that same rule bans me from every post office in the continental United States.
Karina: What a...
Joe: This is terrible! There's a tiny letter J in my anus!
Rob: That is bad! The only letters that should be up there are a series of O's.
-After Joe got a coat hanger up his ass...
Professor: This is the Duomo. It's the largest, central cathedral in Florence. You can catch glimpses of it in many parts of the city. It's meant to be imposing, to convey power, and Florence built it as a statement of status.
Frank: I could swe...
*BEEP BEEP*
Adrienne: What's in the microwave?
Brooke: No idea, I think Lauren's making cheese...
Adrienne: How is she making cheese in the microwave?
Brooke: No idea, prolly because she is fat and weird...
Adrienne: Fucking Lauren.
(5 minutes g...
"Back in the early 1600's there weren't many women, so those who were there were 'Horizontally Accessible.' Hope I haven't offended anyone in here who keeps up that tradition."
-Professor Antolini, on sluts and whores...
"School is like a social rat race. The one with the prettiest fur is the most liked. While the deformed one finds the cheese first. But fuck being deformed."
-Mattie, on the importance of social grooming...
Dandrew: Jeez Frank, another burp? Keep it classy.
Frank: A man should never apologize for burping, farting, or masturbating.
-On the amended bro code...
"I find it delightfully amusing to observe the ever-shining and radiant sparkle of hope in the eyes of the youthful and energetic students who occupy my classroom...fully realizing that that naive hope will flicker out permanently like a ca...
Giles: This is a pretty bro goodbye.
Frank: Yeah. Are we good friends? Yes. Were we roommates for the past year? Yes. Am I not going to see you again until September? Yes. But will I help you drag your luggage downstairs? Hell no.
-On the limits...
Mattie: Would you still be my friend if my arm fell off?
Christian: Fuck no.
Mattie: What if yours fell off?
Christian: Maybe.
-On tentative friendship...
Jake: Do you think Avery's going to kill herself?
Rob: Ew!
Jake: What do you mean, "ew"?
Rob: Sorry, I'm just picturing Avery hanging herself, and it's pretty gross looking. Her body's just hanging like a wet noodle. Let me picture her jumping o...
Cali: (From the trash can) I just wrote a song!
Joe: What?
Cali: (sitting up) I just wrote a song, want to hear it?
Joe: Absolutely.
Cali: Okay. Trash can bucket.... beside my head.... you are my best friend.... you are my best friend.
Joe: (lau...
Jared: Larry told us the first stand-up joke he ever did. He looked so happy that he remembered it.
Rob: That's Horowitz: 1, senility: 67.
Sarah: I'm pretty sure he lost count of how many times senility won.
-On aging comedians...
"Not only did the scarecrow not have a brain, but he didn't have a heart either! It's impossible! He was made of straw, are you kidding me!??!"
-Cali, launching into a drunken rant on 21st birthday...
Curry: What do white guys and shit have in common?
Chris: Wait, aren't you half white?
Curry: Yeah, but I'm 50% Asian, 50% white...I round up, so I'm Asian.
-Curry, showing off his math skills...
Nick: No, straight up, eating, sleeping, shitting, and getting off are like the four best things in the world. It's within human nature or something.
Denni: You have no shame do you?
Nick: Whatever, if I happened to shit myself while sleep-eatin...
"I like to think of DNA as a bunch of little elves, sitting at their panel boards and deciding what the cell does."
-Professor Herman, master of biology...
Shaun: I so badly wanted to fuck Amy last night.
Chris: Why didn't you?
Shaun: When I asked her to, she said yes and when were about to, I forgot what I was doing.
-On temporary performance and/or memory lapse...
