Maggie: Have you ever seen Gorillas in the Mist? Alex: Yeah, I've seen your mom in the shower. -On the mother of all mom comebacks...

"I HATE big boobs, cause no matter what I wear, I look like a whore!!! ARGH!" -Ashley, on the classic no-win situation...

Charlie's Mom: Where's your sister? Charlie: Up....over...there.....in the....thing. Charlie's Mom: What's wrong with you, did you take something? Charlie: No it's okay, I'm...impersonating a bomb. Charlie's Mom: You're taking a drug test right...

"Listen! That's not animals...that's people FUCKING!!!" -Elizabeth, franticly in the street...sober...

"Are you telling me a night of sex is better than a good poop?" -Friar Klein, on the natural order of pleasures...

Mark: Silky is such a pothead. He brings his bowl with him everywhere. Look, it's just chilling on the pool table. Manda: You do know that's a cereal bowl right? Mark: Ha, you're funny. -Naively staring at a cereal bowl...

"Does that mean the buses will drive on the train tracks?' -Anna, upon hearing the trains were out of order...

"Take a three minute break. When you get back, we are going to beat up a 6-year-old and decide if it's okay or not." -Professor Collins, on the lesson plan for the day...

"Let's play musical chairs. The last one standing gets dropped from the class." -Professor Walba, on cutthroat introductions...

Recruit: Staff Sergeant, Permission to bus my tray and drive on, Staff Sergeant? Staff Sergeant: What are you driving? Recruit: Staff Sergeant, I'm driving my white windowless van to the hardware store so I can turn this rape into a murder, Staf...

Mike: Are you going to be at the bar tonight? I have a wonderful idea I want to share with you. Joe: I was thinking no, but I've been known to change my mind. Does your idea involve naked pictures of Bea Arthur? Mike: No, Betty White, you sick f...

Lexie: I'm working on Noah's birthday gift. Challian: Which would be? Lexie: A pop-up book recapping important friendship events. Challian: Like when I got my first pube? Lexie: Ummm, sure?! Challian: You can just throw that in near the end. -O...

"Butt sex, Mitchell, B-U-T-T not B-U-T. If you're going to say disgusting untrue things about me and a girl we know, at least have the decency to spell it right!" -Noah, on the power of full transparency...

Joe (on the phone): Dinner on Valentine's Day is at 6 so plan accordingly. Cali: Dress up? Joe: If you don't then it would be weird. Cali: Am I coming down there to you? Joe: Yes, and no more questions. I already feel you know too much. -On conf...

"I don't know what you're trying to say, Emily. Einstein was only six when he wrote Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, but I still love R&B." -Caleb, on musical influences...

Adam: As soon as it hits midnight I'm running over there to give him a kiss. Tyler: Isn't that kinda...gay since you're both guys and all? Adam: Nah man, I'm only doing it to piss off Brooke. Tyler: You hate Brooke so much that you're going to b...

Dion: Don't shit where you eat. Jeff: They say don't shit where you eat, but women shit dangerously close to where we eat. -On the annals of intelligent design...

Frank: Holy shit, this is the first time I see a proper application of a mathematic concept in real life. Take this party for example. The entry is $15 and it's all you can drink. So your first beer costs $15 but each subsequent beer you drink b...

Ariel: Woah. You're higher than I am. What are you on? Random Woman: Jesus! Ariel: Cool. Got anymore? -Ariel, stoned and mistaking a church revival for a circus tent...

Al: If we were stranded on a desert island I bet I could get you to suck my dick. YOU'D BE THIRSTY AND I'D BE THE MILKMAN!!! Katie: Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant. -Al, failing yet again...

Boosey: Picture her as some butter. Doyle: Butter? Boosey: What you gotta do is become a knife... but she's one of those girls that you gotta warm up to it... you know what I'm saying... it's going to be a ton easier with a hot knife. So in the...

"Dumb traffic... it's going too fast for us to do anything, and too slow for us to get to the movie on time." -Josh, talking his girlfriend while stuck in traffic...

Pastor Short, Campus Crusader: I don't think you're trying hard enough. Would you rather go out, get drunk, and get laid on Saturday night, or go to church on Sunday morning? Jeff: Whether or not I get laid on Saturday night determines if I nee...

Nina: I could never understand someone robbing an old lady. Ryan: It's just work, ya know? They have completely different faces, I learned that back when I used to prostitute. Nina: ...What? You were a prostitute? Ryan: Yeah, I used to be a pros...

Giles: Why don't you like fries? Frank: Because when I was growing up in China, the fries there would cut up the roof of your mouth and were really salty which means after you eat them, your whole mouth just hurts. It's psychological conditionin...

"Basically the Lewis and Clark expedition was a big multicultural clusterfuck." -Professor Hickey, on major historical undertakings...

"I don't make sense. I make love." -Paul, campaigning on the confusion tip...

"I can't hang out with Steve any more. Seeing him with his kid almost makes me think of him as human." -T, on reputation killers...

Eric: This is a game store right? GameStop Guy: Uhhhh, yeah. Eric: Well how about this. How about I buy a bunch of games, but instead of paying you in money, I pay you in tales of adventure. GameStop Guy: Uhh....... No, sorry can't do it. Eric:...

"I had the broest moment ever with Sexel and Tyler. Some girl told me to put my pants on and they weren't even off, so I pulled them off and told her to deal with it. Then I looked behind me and Sexel and Tyler had their pants off so I was like,...